susana
My Second Home
If I can build a bridge to somewhere, its better than a fast train to nowhere.
Posts: 511
|
Jokes
Jan 4, 2009 14:02:27 GMT 10
Post by susana on Jan 4, 2009 14:02:27 GMT 10
So it was Christmas Eve, in some city where it was considered just the ultimate best fortune ever to have a live goose in one's possession to kill & cook for Christmas Dinner. There was a well-to-do physician in this metropolis who had found it in his heart to see an impoverished family from the countryside, who had multiple health issues, no money to pay, & with the holidays looming & all.... They lamented that the only thing they could offer by way of recompense was a live goose from their little farm. The physician agreed, thinking how much fun it would be to surprise his young wife on Christmas Eve with a live goose! So he treated the entire family, then closed down his practice for the holidays, & took the goose home to present to his wife. She however, was not yet returned to the residence from her long day of charity work. The good doctor found his home dark, cold, & empty. Well, what to do now..... He just couldn't see turning the goose loose in the house to crap all over everything, & he had no cage or other means of holding it. He looked at his watch, & thought, "I'll just go catch a movie around the corner at the theater, & by the time it's over, surely she will be home." So he takes the goose & walks to the theater, but when he sees the line at the ticket booth, he thinks, "Wait a minute. They're not going to let me in there with a live goose." Making sure no one is watching, he makes his way back to the alley behind the theater, & stuffs the goose down inside his pants. " You be quiet, now, you stupid goose, and no one will know!" He instructed the poor creature. He bought his ticket, made it through the lobby, & found a great seat before the beginning of the movie, all with no problems from the goose or anyone. Just as the movie started, 2 elderly ladies came down the aisle & proceded to claim the 2 seats to his left. That was fine, they were no bother to him, the movie started with great splendor, and turned out to be a great, bittersweet love story. The audience was wholly spellbound, the doctor even found himself wiping away a tear or two in spite of himself. Then just about halfway through the show, the little old lady next to him looked down into his lap, looked surprised, then elboed her friend & said, "Agatha, look over here, you've got to see this!" "Argghh!" replied Agatha disgustedly shaking her head. " You see one, you've seen 'em all." "Yeah," replied the first old lady, "but this one's eating my popcorn!!!"
|
|
susana
My Second Home
If I can build a bridge to somewhere, its better than a fast train to nowhere.
Posts: 511
|
Jokes
Jan 25, 2009 13:47:23 GMT 10
Post by susana on Jan 25, 2009 13:47:23 GMT 10
ANSWER TO HOW MANY BLONDE JOKES THERE REALLY ARE: Only 2 - - The rest are all true stories!!!
|
|
|
Jokes
Feb 1, 2009 14:31:58 GMT 10
Post by Ms B. on Feb 1, 2009 14:31:58 GMT 10
;D I feel sorry for blondes sometimes, glad I'm not one!
|
|
|
Jokes
Feb 2, 2009 21:18:03 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Feb 2, 2009 21:18:03 GMT 10
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 13, 2009 14:00:50 GMT 10
Post by Ms B. on Oct 13, 2009 14:00:50 GMT 10
We haven't had any jokes in awhile so I thought I'd share some.
High School Prank
Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!
At a high school in Montana a group of students played a prank on the school.
They let three goats loose in the school.
Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.
Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mum came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mum waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
|
|
susana
My Second Home
If I can build a bridge to somewhere, its better than a fast train to nowhere.
Posts: 511
|
Jokes
Oct 18, 2009 5:59:02 GMT 10
Post by susana on Oct 18, 2009 5:59:02 GMT 10
Helicopter Ride
Martin & Elnora had been sweethearts since their early teens, and wed right after high school. While still on their honeymoon, they attended their local State Fair.
They were having a grand old time at the fair, when one attraction grabbed Martin's attention. A huge helicopter, with a big sign: Helicopter Rides $50.00
"Oh, Elnora, I've ALWAYS wanted to ride in a helicopter !!!!" Martin exclaimed, "I can't think of a better thing to make our honeymoon complete, just taking a ride around town, seeing all the sights from the air!!! Let's do it, PLEASE!!!"
Elnora frowned, studying the sign, & told Martin no. "That's such a foolish expense, Martin... We're just starting out in life, and that money would feed us for two weeks or more. Absolutely not."
Martin begged and pleaded with her, "Come on , Elnora, it's a lifelong dream of mine to ride in that thing. Just one time around, honey, please!"
"Martin, I told you NO!" Elnora replied firmly. "I mean, come on now... 50 bucks is 50 bucks!"
So Martin didn't get to ride the helicopter that year, or the year after.... Every year the couple would return to the State Fair, and every year it was the same. Martin would beg and beg and Elnora would always say no, with the same reason: "50 bucks is 50 bucks!!!"
And so it went, all throughout their marriage, through the years of rearing children, sending them off to college, welcoming the first few of many grandchildren... Every year at the State Fair, Martin was again denied the fulfillment of his one unrealized dream...
Until finally one year, Elnora & Martin, now elderly, stood once again in front of that same big helicopter with the big sign- - and after all those years, a ride still just cost $50.00. (Must have been a real bargain by this time.)
But one thing was different this year. Since their last visit to the State Fair, Martin had suffered a small heart attack. Nothing too earthshattering, no damage.... The doctor had just said he needed to change his diet, excercise more, and probably get his affairs in order, just in case... That one had been a warning, and who knew when the BIG ONE might strike...
So Martin turned his gaze from the helicopter to his bride, now in her 70's, and said, "All right, Elnora... I think it's HIGH TIME you let me ride in that contraption after all these years."
Elnora replied, "No, Martin- - 50 bucks is STILL 50 BUCKS."
"Now, Elnora, Sweetheart," Martin reasoned, "You know what happened back in April... My time on this earth may be limited. Who knows if I'll ever get the chance again to do this ONE THING that I've wanted to do all my life. I haven't asked much all these years and I just can't believe you're going to deny me this now."
Elnora looked at the helicopter, then at Martin, and said, "Oh, Martin... I don't know.... After all, 50 bucks IS STILL 50 bucks..."
Just at that moment, the pilot came walking up behind them, shaking his head. He had heard the whole sorry conversation. "Okay, folks, here's the deal," he stated authoritatively. "Sir, I hear how much you want to ride, and mam, I also can sort of understand your side of the argument. So here's what I'm gonna do for you: I'll take you two on the usual ride around town, we'll see all the sights, and we'll come back here to the fairgrounds and land, and if you both have kept YOUR MOUTHS SHUT the whole time, I mean not even a peep or a sigh, the ride will be on me, no charge. But if I even hear one sound coming from you, it will cost you the standard 50.00. What do you say?"
"Oh, come on, Elnora, PLEASE, how can you say no to that offer?" begged Martin.
The pilot reiterrated, "All you have to do is be silent for the whole ride, and it's free."
"Well," Elnora smiled at Martin, "I think we can manage that!"
So they boarded the helicopter, the pilot got in & started the ignition, and soon they lifted off & were treated to the most splendid bird's eye views of the town and the countryside that exceeded their wildest dreams. Both were very careful not to utter a sound, 'cos 50 bucks IS... well, you know.
As they were heading back toward town, the pilot decided it was time to elicit some noise from the passenger seats. He went into a fast nosedive straight down toward Mother Earth, and pulled out of it just in time. Not a sound from Martin or Elnora.
He proceeded to perform his most daredevil stunts, loopty-loops, flying upside down, you name it, he tried it. Still not a peep from the elderly couple. He even tried venturing out over the large lake and nose-diving straight down toward the water, and didn't pull up til the very last second. Still silence in the back.
Well, he thought, I guess I just gave this little couple a free ride, I can't believe it. I sure didn't think they could hold out, but they've done it. I do still have one trick up my sleeve, though...
He cut the ignition off, the helicopter sputtered a time or two & was dropping like a rock toward the lights of the State Fair Midway. Still not a gasp, not a squeal, not a sound.
The pilot cranked the ignition back on in plenty of time & landed safely.
"Well, I've got to hand it to you folks, I didn't think you could do it!" acknowledged the pilot as he turned & faced an elated Martin, "Neither of you made a sound, so the ride's on me."
"Well sir," declared Martin, "I started to say somethin' back there when Elnora fell out, but after all, ... 50 bucks IS 50 bucks!!!!!!"
|
|
susana
My Second Home
If I can build a bridge to somewhere, its better than a fast train to nowhere.
Posts: 511
|
Jokes
Oct 18, 2009 6:33:26 GMT 10
Post by susana on Oct 18, 2009 6:33:26 GMT 10
Here's a couple short ones for you, Bons: What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? POLAROIDS!!!
|
|
susana
My Second Home
If I can build a bridge to somewhere, its better than a fast train to nowhere.
Posts: 511
|
Jokes
Oct 18, 2009 6:37:38 GMT 10
Post by susana on Oct 18, 2009 6:37:38 GMT 10
What do a Kentucky (USA) divorce and a tornado have in common?
(Background info: Kentucky is a mountainous region of the United States where a lot of people live in poverty and behave in an uneducated manner.... Seriously, there are families up there that still wage gun battles just like the fabled Hatfields and McCoys!)
Answer: Either way, somebody's gonna lose the trailer.
|
|
|
Jokes
Oct 23, 2009 9:46:26 GMT 10
Post by Ms B. on Oct 23, 2009 9:46:26 GMT 10
;D Nice ones Susana. Thanks for sharing!
|
|