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Jokes
Jun 8, 2007 23:40:15 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Jun 8, 2007 23:40:15 GMT 10
The bad and the worse news
A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Man: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Man: That's great. I was afraid I had cancer!
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Jokes
Jun 11, 2007 15:06:02 GMT 10
Post by Ms B. on Jun 11, 2007 15:06:02 GMT 10
;D
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Jokes
Jul 23, 2007 17:51:16 GMT 10
Post by Ms B. on Jul 23, 2007 17:51:16 GMT 10
One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skin tight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realised that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realise that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."
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Jokes
Aug 16, 2007 4:08:35 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Aug 16, 2007 4:08:35 GMT 10
Bush's Tragedy One day, President Bush visited an elementary school. All the kids were so excited to get to meet the President. He began to talk to them and asked them to define the word ''tragedy.''
"Well," one girl replied, "If my mommy ran over my dog, Rover, that would be a tragedy!"
The President smiled at the little girl and said, "No, sweetie. That would be an accident! Can anyone give it a try?"
A little boy sitting across the room raised his hand and said, "I know! I know! If our bus driver ran off of a cliff and killed everyone!"
The President shook his head and said, "No son. That would be a great loss! Doesn't anyone know of a good example of a tragedy?"
A small girl raised her hand and said, "Well, Mr. President, if you and Laura were in Air Force One and it was hit by a missile and blown to smithereens, most people would think that that was a tragedy!"
"Very good," he said. "And what was your reason for that answer?"
"Well," she said, "It would not be an accident and it sure would not be a great loss!"
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Jokes
Aug 17, 2007 16:00:46 GMT 10
Post by Ms B. on Aug 17, 2007 16:00:46 GMT 10
;D I love government jokes and your president is such a good topic to make fun of!
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Jokes
Aug 18, 2007 12:23:26 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Aug 18, 2007 12:23:26 GMT 10
I'm right there with you on that one. Personally, I wish they'd just impeach him and get it over with. He is making things soooooo bad between us and the rest of the world. And religion guiding him? Awwww.... Come on! The last time church and government got together, there were people being burned at the stake as witches.
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Jokes
Aug 20, 2007 11:56:50 GMT 10
Post by Ms B. on Aug 20, 2007 11:56:50 GMT 10
Yeah it is pretty ridiculous...
I probably should've put this on here ages ago because it's so relevant to us, it's an email Gypsy sent me...
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it works :
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox, when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was Planning to do.
At the end of the day:
----the car isn't washed,
----the bills aren't paid,
----there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
----the flowers don't have enough water,
----there is still only 1 check in my check book,
----I can't find the remote,
----I can't find my glasses,
----and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
P.S. I just remembered.
I left the water running in the driveway.
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Jokes
Sept 5, 2007 4:07:02 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Sept 5, 2007 4:07:02 GMT 10
Good one Bons! (Unfortunately too true for us ME/CFSers as well ) Four Types of PatientsSome surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered." The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded." The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and arse are interchangeable."
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Jokes
Sept 5, 2007 11:55:46 GMT 10
Post by Ms B. on Sept 5, 2007 11:55:46 GMT 10
;D Ah lawyers, they cop so much flack...
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Jokes
Sept 16, 2007 11:57:40 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Sept 16, 2007 11:57:40 GMT 10
I need it to poison my husband
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy!
I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!
I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
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Jokes
Sept 17, 2007 16:04:56 GMT 10
Post by Ms B. on Sept 17, 2007 16:04:56 GMT 10
And what a prescription! ;D You might appreciate this one ArgyrosfeniX...
A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, 'Well! That's great..........
that's really great..........
some a******'s got my pen.'
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Jokes
Sept 17, 2007 22:28:51 GMT 10
Post by upnorth on Sept 17, 2007 22:28:51 GMT 10
HEE hee hee ha ha - good jokes!!
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Jokes
Oct 4, 2007 8:31:13 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Oct 4, 2007 8:31:13 GMT 10
That was a good one Bons! I actually heard of that happening too, which makes it all the funnier!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Old Spinster
On her 70th birthday, an old spinster decides it's time to finally get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:
"Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person."
The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.
She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"
The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?!"
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Jokes
Oct 4, 2007 17:49:45 GMT 10
Post by Ms B. on Oct 4, 2007 17:49:45 GMT 10
That was a good one Bons! I actually heard of that happening too, which makes it all the funnier! Serious?
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Jokes
Oct 5, 2007 3:21:29 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Oct 5, 2007 3:21:29 GMT 10
Yeah! Back when they had the glass/mercury ones. They looked just like plastic pens in the 70's so they were sometimes confused. Now we have these big electronic versions that'll take your temp in about 15 seconds. There's no mistaking them for a pen!!
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