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Jokes
Oct 21, 2008 5:25:31 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Oct 21, 2008 5:25:31 GMT 10
Here's the origin of the joke: prestonlancs.com--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- #8Postman Pat's Last Day It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for ?50. At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whiskey. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, bacon, sausage, beans and freshly squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a five-pound note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just! too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the fiver for? "Well," said the dumb blonde, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "F**k him.... Give him a fiver." "The breakfast was my idea."
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Jokes
Oct 21, 2008 5:26:38 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Oct 21, 2008 5:26:38 GMT 10
Here's the origin of the joke: prestonlancs.com--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- #9A precious little girl walks into a petshop and says''Excuth me,do you have any widdle wabbits. The shop keeper's heart melts,he gets on his knees so that he's on her level and says ''do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft fuffy wabbit,or one like that widdle bwown wabbit over there'' The little girl blushes and rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,leans forward and says - ''I dont weally fink my my pet python gives a phuk''
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Jokes
Oct 21, 2008 5:28:25 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Oct 21, 2008 5:28:25 GMT 10
Here's the origin of the joke: prestonlancs.com--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- #10A virile, young Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome, when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless. After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So...you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied,- - "No." Surprised, the young man reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashes about wildly and there are screams of passion. The rooting ends, and again, the young man smiles, and again he asks, "You finish?" And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and softly says, - - "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for the woman yet again using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together, screaming, bucking, clawing, and ripping the bed sheets. The exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, she whispers in his ear,- "No,- I Norwegian."
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Jokes
Oct 21, 2008 5:31:42 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Oct 21, 2008 5:31:42 GMT 10
Here's the origin of the joke: prestonlancs.com--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- #11A Little girl and boy attended the same school and became good friends.Everyday they sat together to eat their lunch,they both always brought chicken sandwiches,this went on each day for a long time,until one day he noticed she wasn't having chicken anymore,he asked "Don't you like chicken anymore''she said I love it but I have had to stop eating it'' 'Why he asked' she pointed down and said '' I am starting to grow little feathers down there'' ''Let me see' he asked,''Okay" and she pulled up her skirt,he said ''that's right you are,you best not eat anymore chicken'' He kept eating chicken until he brought peanut butter,he told his friend that he had started growing litle feathers down there also,she asked if she could have a look so he pulled down his pants for her, MY GOD SHE SAID,YOU STOPPED TO LATE YOU HAVE ALREADY GOT THE NECK AND GIZZARDS.
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Jokes
Oct 21, 2008 5:33:41 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Oct 21, 2008 5:33:41 GMT 10
Here's the origin of the joke: prestonlancs.com--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- #12The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be. The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000. The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000. The third one, a non-commissioned officer, was grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my weenie to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer. The medical officer arrived and instructed the Chief to "drop 'em," which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "My G~d!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The old Chief calmly replied . . . . . "Vietnam." ♦
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Jokes
Oct 21, 2008 5:36:24 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Oct 21, 2008 5:36:24 GMT 10
Here's the origin of the joke: prestonlancs.com--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- #13Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy? "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fu**ing cat."
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Jokes
Oct 21, 2008 5:40:32 GMT 10
Post by ArgyrosfeniX on Oct 21, 2008 5:40:32 GMT 10
Here's the origin of the joke: prestonlancs.com--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- #14A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" "My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me." The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?" His funeral will be held Thursday ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There are 19 pages on their site of these jokes... I'm not going to cut and paste them all, so have at it!! I just took them first 13 from the first page and the 14th from page 2 (didn't want to end on the 13th joke... Just seemed too.... something.).
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Jokes
Oct 22, 2008 9:48:16 GMT 10
Post by Ms B. on Oct 22, 2008 9:48:16 GMT 10
What an awesome find! Some of those were bloody hilarious. I haven't laughed that hard since... ![](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/emotes/hmm.gif) Monday
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Jokes
Oct 22, 2008 23:29:59 GMT 10
Post by upnorth on Oct 22, 2008 23:29:59 GMT 10
;D ;D ;D The proffesor one made me laugh more than once, thanks!!
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susana
My Second Home
![*](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/forest/i_nut.gif) ![*](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/forest/i_nut.gif)
If I can build a bridge to somewhere, its better than a fast train to nowhere.
Posts: 511
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Jokes
Jan 4, 2009 10:33:19 GMT 10
Post by susana on Jan 4, 2009 10:33:19 GMT 10
For my first joke I've ever sent y'all, I'll send my very best. "The Guy Who Wanted An Allover Tan":
This young guy wanted an allover tan. So he went to the beach when it was pretty well vacant, stripped down, & just let nature do its thing, being careful to turn over halfway through the day. He went home that evening & looked in the full-length mirror, & was quite pleased with the results, all except for one thing. "Oh, this will never do," he said to himself. That 'one thing' was going to have to be tanned too. So the next day he went back to the beach, stripped down, & covered himself from head to toe in sand, all except for that 'one thing'. After a few hours, a couple of old ladies came strolling along the beach. They glanced over & saw something strange sticking up out of the sand. The older of the two walked over closer & adjusted her bifocals to get a better look. She poked it with her cane, just to make sure it was what she thought it was, and it WAS... After pondering the situation for a couple of moments, she said thoughtfully to her friend, in a crackling little-old-lady voice, " You know, Myrtle, there just isn't any justice..... When I was in my 20's, I was curious about those things.... And when I was in my 30's, I experimented with those things.... In my 40's, I THOROUGHLY ENJOYED those things.... In my 50's, I payed for those things.... And then in my 60's I PRAYED for those things...... And now I'm in my late 70's, those things are coming up WILD ON THE BEACH!!!!! ........ And I'm too old to squat."
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susana
My Second Home
![*](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/forest/i_nut.gif) ![*](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/forest/i_nut.gif)
If I can build a bridge to somewhere, its better than a fast train to nowhere.
Posts: 511
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Jokes
Jan 4, 2009 11:01:54 GMT 10
Post by susana on Jan 4, 2009 11:01:54 GMT 10
Same two little old ladies, sitting in rocking chairs on Myrtle's front porch... They're best friends, you see, known eachother all their lives... (I apologize in advance if this offends anybody.) First one says, "Myrtle... did you know that theh ah women who love othuh women?" Myrtle, with an astonished look, says, "Nawwwww!!!" "Yaa-es," replies the first one, " and they get on theh knees & get down theh & jest do all kinds o' unbelievable things to eachothuh down theh!!!" "NAWWW!!!," replies Myrtle. "Oh, yaa-es, " replies her friend, "They call them ' Les-bins'. AND DID YOU KNOW, that theh ah men who love othuh men, who will get down on theh knees & also do all sorts of unimaginable things to eachothuh?" "Deah Lawd, Nawww!!!" pleads Myrtle, now horrified, about to get the vapors (faint). "Oh, Yaa-es, it's true," states her friend, "And they call them 'HO-MO-SEX-SHULS' " They rock in their chairs a few more minutes, Myrtle almost afraid to speak, for what further mental images her friend's revelations might foster.... Then, "And Myrtle, you may not believe this..... but theh ah men.... who can love a woman so much that they will get on theh knees &-" Myrtle, now overcome by excitement & curiosity, the vapors forgotton, interrupts to exclaim, " OH, MY!!!! WHAT DO THEY CALL THEM? ![???](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/Emoticons/forum/20.gif) !!!!!" Her friend, with the satisfied smile of the cat that ate the canary, replies, " Well, me... I call mine PRECIOUS!!!"
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susana
My Second Home
![*](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/forest/i_nut.gif) ![*](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/forest/i_nut.gif)
If I can build a bridge to somewhere, its better than a fast train to nowhere.
Posts: 511
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Jokes
Jan 4, 2009 11:10:53 GMT 10
Post by susana on Jan 4, 2009 11:10:53 GMT 10
There was an old country preacher in a small town near the east coast (US) who rode his bicycle everywhere. His bike came up missing, & it really ticked him off, 'cos he just knew it had to be one of the members of his congregation who had stolen it, since his was the only church in town. He thought & thought about it, & decided, well, I'm just going to preach on the ten commandments until someone's conscience gets to them badly enough that they will confess to having stolen my property. So he starts the very next week with the first commandment, preaching Hellfire & Brimstone, every week the next commandment right down the line, until he comes to the one about "Thou shall not commit adultery." .... And then he remembers where he left his bike.
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susana
My Second Home
![*](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/forest/i_nut.gif) ![*](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/forest/i_nut.gif)
If I can build a bridge to somewhere, its better than a fast train to nowhere.
Posts: 511
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Jokes
Jan 4, 2009 11:22:23 GMT 10
Post by susana on Jan 4, 2009 11:22:23 GMT 10
There were 2 blondes traveling by car to South Louisiana. All the way down Interstate 49 they kept remarking at the odd names of the towns on the road signs, & trying to pronounce them. An hour or so past Desoto Parish, they came to another town, Natchitoches. (Pronounced NAK-uh-dish, for those of y'all not from around here...) So they started up with their silliness,"Natch-I-tichi-toches" "No, Nat-Zi-Hit-Oh-cheez" "No, I don't think that's how you pronounce that. Why don't we stop & eat somewhere & we'll ask." So they did. They went into the restaurant & ordered their meal, & while they were eating, the manager of the restaurant came walking by their table. "Ex-Cuse Me, Sir..." the younger blonde said loudly, being very careful to annunciate each syllable as though the natives here might not understand... "Whut do you call this place right here where we are?" The manager bent down toward her & with the utmost patience, spoke as succinctly as possible: "Buhr-Guhr Keeeeng!"
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susana
My Second Home
![*](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/forest/i_nut.gif) ![*](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/forest/i_nut.gif)
If I can build a bridge to somewhere, its better than a fast train to nowhere.
Posts: 511
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Jokes
Jan 4, 2009 11:30:03 GMT 10
Post by susana on Jan 4, 2009 11:30:03 GMT 10
I'm sure you heard about the blonde who caused a problem in the company breakroom. The vice president of sales went down to get a coke out of the machine, but this blonde, who already had half a table filled up with canned drinks, just kept putting in quarters, pushing buttons, a coke would fall out & she'd clap & say, "YAAAHHHH!!!!" then she'd do it all again & a Dr Pepper would come out & she'd clap & say "YAAAHHH!!!!" and this went on & on & on. Finally the VP over sales got impatient & said,"Excuse me, Miss, but would you mind moving aside & letting someone else have a turn???!!!" The Blonde protested,"Leave me alone!!! I'm WINNING!!!"
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susana
My Second Home
![*](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/forest/i_nut.gif) ![*](http://i47.photobucket.com/albums/f181/pissedoffmonkey/forum/forest/i_nut.gif)
If I can build a bridge to somewhere, its better than a fast train to nowhere.
Posts: 511
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Jokes
Jan 4, 2009 11:31:24 GMT 10
Post by susana on Jan 4, 2009 11:31:24 GMT 10
Do you know how many blonde jokes there actually are? Submit your best guesses & then I'll give you the answer.
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